I saw something yesterday. I thought it
was a joke.”
“What happened?”
“Nigerians and their sense of humour;
we always manage to squeeze laughter out of every situation, no matter how
sad.”
“I don’t like the suspense. What is
it?”
“I attended a wedding engagement
ceremony.”
“And?”
“When the groom’s family was presenting
gifts to the bride’s family, do you know what they did?”
“I am with you”
“They suddenly brought out two 50-litre
jerry cans of fuel, which they presented to the bride’s father, with a
declaration that they don’t want their in-law to go through any stress during
this season of fuel scarcity”
“Correct in-laws!”
“We all burst into laughter. Even the
bride’s father was almost sprawling on the floor with laughter. He quickly gave
his daughter’s hand in marriage.”
“Trust Nigerians.”
“It turned out that the bridegroom’s
father owns a petrol station. Talk of using what you have to get what you
want.”
“Free fuel for life. No more fuel
scarcity in that family. The bride chose well. In this type of country, you
have to marry wisely.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Must people
choose husbands because of fuel, something that should be taken for granted?
“Dey there. This fuel crisis is so
serious at least two universities have had to shut down and send the students
home.”
“I read the statement by the University
of Lagos authorities. The university had to be closed due to the collapse of
municipal services. No fuel. No light, and the students had become riotous.”
“That must be the first time in the
entire world that a university would have to close down because there is no
fuel in the country. Terrible indictment.”
“Well, that’s Nigeria for you. But I
expect the students to show understanding. It is not the fault of the
university authorities.”
“Hardship is difficult to understand.
Many of the students had to trek from the campus to their various homes.”
“They should not complain, please. It
is called Trekking for Sai Baba. After the election last year, didn’t many of
them trek for Sai Baba? They certainly didn’t know that was just a technical
rehearsal and that serious trekking will soon come. Anybody wey no get fuel,
make e trek.”
“I hear some people are even planning
Occupy Nigeria protests.”
“Because of fuel scarcity?”
“Because a litre of fuel is now about
N350 per litre.”
“They better don’t get themselves shot.
Hen hen. If they think it is that kind of Occupy Nigeria that they tried with
GEJ, let them go and try their luck this time around. You better tell that your
stubborn brother not to go to Ojota to occupy anything oh, I don’t want to
write a condolence message. What we need is not protests. That won’t bring
fuel. What we need is a different kind of citizen action.”
“Which is?”
“The truth is that some people are
sabotaging Nigerians. Independent marketers are hoarding fuel deliberately, so
they can sell at a premium. And many of them are sadists. Even when they have
fuel, have you not noticed that they usually sell from one pump? What stops
them from selling from three or four pumps at the same time? But apparently,
seeing a long queue, and people in agony makes some of them happy.”
“I even understand that some fuel
station managers tell the pump attendants that they must deliver N50, 000 to
them daily. That’s why when you buy fuel in many of these stations, the
attendant tells you upfront that you will have to drop something.”
“And at the end, you don’t even get
what you buy in full measure, because the meters have been tampered with.”
“Nigerians are their own problem. We
like to inconvenience one another and yet we blame government all the time.”
“The people are the government. The
ones in public office punish the people; those outside inflict pain on each
other. We are all guilty as members of a large community of sadists.”
“So, have you started your fuel
business? The NNPC Mega Station of jerry cans of fuel that you talked about.”
“I am still on it”
“You plan to start when fuel scarcity
ends?”
“You think this thing will ever end?
Look, do you know that it is actually a good business. I went to visit a friend
the other day, and I told him I didn’t have fuel. He just made a phone call.
Before I knew it, somebody brought fuel in two big jerry cans.”
“Home delivery?”
“Yes. People are now doing home
delivery of fuel as if they are delivering Pizza. N500 per litre. Some people
collude with fuel station managers. They store fuel in jerry cans and they do
home delivery if you are willing to pay. I saw it with my two eyes.”
“By the time this fuel scarcity is
over, some people will become billionaires. In my own case, when I was looking
for fuel, my driver took me to a house where the gateman spoke to the landlord
and they brought out fuel. It was as if I was in another world. A small-scale
business has developed around this fuel scarcity crisis, and while you and I
are wailing, some people are hailing the change that has come.”
“All the people profiting from the
people’s agony should be reported, arrested and publicly shamed as saboteurs.”
“That doesn’t require citizen action.”
“But the people must report sharp
practices at fuel stations, and the illegal conversion of private homes to fuel
dumps!”
“Who should they report to?”
“The Police. The Department of
Petroleum Resources (DPR).”
“To do what?”
“To check meters at fuel stations, to
arrest marketers who are punishing the people and making government look bad.
There is a Weights and Measures law in this country for Heaven’s sake.”
“Police. DPR. You will just create
another layer of fraud. You’d be surprised the officials that should enforce
the law, will be bribed with fuel and cash.”
“Then such officials should also be
reported.”
“I beg. Leave that matter for Matthias.
The last time I slept at a fuel station, I saw uniformed men asking for
officer’s price.”
“Officer’s price, how?”
“Exactly what it says. Three guys came
to the station. They flashed their identity cards or well, what looked like
identity cards, and they said Oga sent them to buy fuel, and they wanted
officer’s price.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning they would not pay up to N200
or N350 per litre.”
“And the manager agreed?”
“Would he not agree? We were all there
gawking as the officers loaded about twelve jerry cans into their vehicle and
left the rest of us there.”
“And nobody protested?”
“Protest? Have you not heard about
people who have been killed at fuel stations by officers?”
“The martyrs of fuel scarcity! I hope
NNPC will remember to send condolence messages to the affected families.”
“Na NNPC kill them?”
“No be NNPC kill them?”
“Na NNPC pull the trigger? Small time
now, you’d say NNPC also killed the man and his two children who stored fuel in
their room and got engulfed in a fire accident.”
“No be NNPC kill them?”
“But what happened to the promised
April 7?”
“Did I not tell you nothing will happen
on April 7, and that it was wrong to put a date to the end of fuel scarcity.”
“Next month, then.”
“Or the month after.”
“Don’t be pessimistic.”
“Okay, until the right steps are
taken.”
“Like succumbing to the blackmail of
fuel importers?”
“No. Like throwing anybody who tries to
sabotage Nigeria behind bars, be they pipeline vandals or greedy fuel importers
looking for free cash, waivers and patronage.”
“I hear you. But for government to
work, you must still allow some people small space to enjoy government.”
“Sorry. Nation-building is not about
enjoying government. It is about service.”
“I hear you.”
“That’s why government officials have
now been told that they cannot travel First Class.”
“I am not really sure anybody travels
First Class in government.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think the highest level is business
class.”
“Well, whatever. But really, the rule
should be that every government official must travel Economy, if the ticket has
to be paid for by government. Economy. And if you want to travel Upper Deck
class, you pay from your pocket.”
“Economy?”
“Yes, economy.”
“That will amount to punishment. Even
poor me, I don’t like economy. People yawn, snore, and open their mouths in
your face, they talk too much, and some people in economy class are so crude,
they actually fart and pollute the air.”
“But the plane will get to the same
destination and everybody will come down and go their way.”
“We are talking comfort here.”
“If it is your money, no problem. But
even when it is your money, I am always angry when I see people putting their
children, babies that are under 10, in Business Class and First Class.
Nigerians like to waste money. Some of those children will grow up and may
never in their lives be able to travel so richly, so what happens to them?”
“You don’t have to curse other people’s
children. One of the rules of capitalism is the freedom to make your money and
spend it as you wish.”
“Some government officials spend
government money to take their wives and children abroad and they put them in
Business Class.”
“Such people should be sanctioned. But
you know, everything failed long ago in the public sector.”
“I know. We all know.”
“And to save Nigeria is not an easy task.”
“I know. I know. But that does not mean
some people should sleep on the job.”
“Like who and who?”
“All I know is that some Ministers are
not just asleep, some of them are even snoring.”
“There is no budget yet”
“And that calls for snoring?”
“How?”
“Okay, name up to ten Ministers in
Abuja.”
“Why should I know their names? Do they
know me?”
“You see?”
“You know?”
“That’s right?”
“When you are given a job, you do it.
You have to be seen to be doing the job. Going to Abuja to sleep and snore on
the job? That is not service. That is disloyalty.”
“I have an idea. For a Minister to
function, he or she needs to be empowered. Empowerment. Very important.”
“I beg. Leave matter for Matthias.”
“I think you just picked up that slang.
Everything Matthias. That was how one Matthias spoke roughly at a fuel station
and he earned a swollen face for his effrontery. You better watch your mouth.”
“Leave matter for Matthias. Let’s
discuss something else.”
Dr. Reuben Abati was
Spokesman and Special Adviser, Media and Publicity to President Goodluck
Jonathan (2011 – 2015). He tweets from @abati1990.
