I hear the
World Bank says Nigeria is now the worst place to do business in the entire
world.”
“ I don’t
believe it.”
“I also hear
that of the 15 fastest growing economies in Africa, Nigeria is no longer on the
list.”
“ I say I
don’t believe that. And stop hearing bad things.”
“We are not
even in the top 10 of the World Top 10 oil producers anymore. Yet, we used to
be No. 6.”
“ I still
don’t believe that.”
“Inflation is
now 13.2%, or well may be 12.8%.”
“Story”
“If you go to
the market with N400 to buy pepper, that amount can’t get you enough pepper to
fry two eggs.”
“Stop eating
eggs. Too much cholesterol is bad for your health.”
“Moody’s has
also just downgraded Nigeria in its ratings for end of March 2016.”
“Moody’s?”
“Yes. It is a
credit and investment ratings corporation.”
“It is called
Moody? What do you expect, then, other than a moody report?”
“Our rating by
Standard and Poor’s is also negative.”
“I see.
Standard and Poor’s giving a poor rating. So?”
“We are talking
serious economics, not word play”
“I hear you”
“Even Fitch
says our economy is in the negative.”
“Let them all
keep fishing for negative information, I say I don’t believe it”
“And as it is,
it looks like Nigerians have adjusted themselves to the reality of paying as
much as N200 per litre for fuel?”
“In your
village? In our own town, fuel is just N140 per litre.”
“And you think
that is okay? At a time the spot price of crude oil is dropping
internationally?”
“Stop reading
those foreign reports. Stop feeding into the Afro-pessimism narrative.”
“You don’t
believe this. You don’t believe that. Everybody is saying a hell-hole has
appeared, and you are insisting you don’t believe it.”
“Sorry.”
“The Nigerian
Bureau of Statistics has also reported that foreign investments inflow into
Nigeria is down by 73.79%, the least in 9 years, and total capital importation
has fallen by 89.13%. GDP growth is the lowest in 9 years.”
“Hold on, one
second… Now listen to me in Minister Kemi Adeosun’s voice: we
are implementing a planned economy here, dum-b-hea-d”
“The kind of
phone calls I receive these days. All artisans that I know have been calling me
to ask if I have a job for them. The electrician called yesterday to ask if my
air conditioners were not giving problems. I said No. He said what of the
television sets? I said they were all working. He even asked whether Madam has
not complained about any appliance in the kitchen.”
“That is a
potential burglar, staking out territory.”
“Shortly after
he dropped the phone, the mechanic also called to ask if the car was alright. I
said yes. He asked if I was not hearing any unusual sound. I said No.”
“Your mechanic
is stalking your car. What is that? Call the police.”
“But don’t you
understand? There are no jobs in town.”
“Who is saying
so?”
“I am, based
on the evidence of my eyes and what I have been hearing.”
“And you have
not heard that the Federal Government has launched a plan to create 1, 000 jobs
per week by getting people to become masquerade dressers?”
“Masquerades?”
“Yes. Those
masquerades that need 100 people to dress them; and another 100 to undress
them. If every Nigerian community organizes a masquerade festival every week,
all this nonsense about people not having jobs will end. It is the most
profound official contribution to this unemployment narrative so far.”
“You just like
to trivialize things.”
“How, it is
simple economics. Imagine the number of tailors that will also be engaged.”
“You can’t be
serious.”
“I am. Your
electrician and mechanic will be better off joining the masquerade gang of
Nigeria.”
“Who is
proposing this?”
“I don’t
mention names, please. It is the idea that matters.”
“But come to
think of it, I see some sense. We are actually a nation of masquerades.
Masquerades in high and low places; masquerades behaving like ancestors when
they are actually mere mortals.”
“It is the day
motor jam masquerade that you will know he is a human being. Even the whole
economy has become a masquerade.”
“But this
thing about festivals.”
“It happened
in ancient Rome. The Romans had over 170 festivals in a year. They were a
source of unity for the Empire.”
“I don’t think
Nigerians are asking for festivals, and an opportunity to dance, they want jobs
and money in their pockets.”
“But you know
the truth and why I don’t believe all these tales? Foreign investors will never
give up on Nigeria. We have the biggest market in the whole of Africa. It is
the source of our strength. If you like let a thousand kidnappers strike per
day, all the airplanes on the Nigerian route will still be fully booked all
year round. At the height of the Boko Haram and the Niger Delta crises,
investors still rushed into Nigeria to look for opportunities. What they may be
doing now is a kind of siddon look. It will pass.”
“If we sort
out the economy.”
“What I know
is that we are better than Venezuela.”
“So, Venezuela
is now the standard?”
“They have
oil, we have oil.”
“But Venezuela
is now a failed state, for failing to manage its oil wealth very well. You need
like a bag load of money to buy any essential commodity in that country. Is
that what you want in Nigeria?”
“God forbid
bad thing!”
“God?”
“I say God
forbid bad thing!”
“This is about
God?”
“Everything in
this country is about God. That is why I agree with people who are now saying
that the way forward is to approach God for help. Even the masquerades will
offer prayers and speak to God through the ancestors.”
“Well, some
people are not going to God. One man in Lekki yesterday, decided to climb an
electric pole. He threatened to hug the electric wires and die. He said he
would only change his mind if he was given N5 million.”
“Only N5
million, not N45 million?”
“The people
called the Fire Service. Fire Service said they should call PHCN. They called
PHCN; those ones said call the police. The police came, the Fire Service too,
after about six hours. They begged the man but when he didn’t listen, they just
went away.”
“The officials
left the scene?”
“Yes.
Everybody tried to talk to the man. He insisted on N5 million or nothing.”
“Don’t worry,
it is the Tee Billz spirit in every Nigerian. So what happened in the end?”
“ I don’t
know.”
“The man was
not ready to die. He should have jumped straight into the Lagoon instead of
climbing an electric pole. And did he tweet and instagram his drama like Tee
Billz?”
“Well, I think
government should just make it clear that anybody who wants to die should not
disturb public peace, they should just go ahead.”
“That’s cruel.
I expected the Lagos State government to be pro-active and offer that man some
money. May be N1 million, and then rehabilitate him.”
“One ginni? If anybody gave that man money, you’d
be surprised by tomorrow morning, you will find half of Lagos on top of
electric poles, asking for money. Even me sef, I fit climb pole or hug
transformer, but my own no be to die oh, na to collect money.”
“That is it…
the strongest sign of the state of the nation. People are just going crazy.
That was how one guy went to a fuel station in Lagos, stark naked, saying he
would not dress up unless he was allowed to buy fuel. Nobody listened to him.”
“Don’t worry,
they will all get used to it. It is a matter of time. Or it may just be that
Nigerians love drama. Everybody has become a Nollywood artist; there is more
drama outside Nollywood today.”
“What I don’t
even understand is why people use the social media these days to kill people.
You’d just wake up one morning and read a fabulous story about someone dying
when they are actually alive. It must be only in Nigeria that death is used as
an instrument of blackmail.”
“They did it
to Chief Tony Anenih. He has had to announce that his traducers will be the
ones to die before him.”
“They also did
it to King Sunny Ade, IBB, Desmond Elliot”
“I blame the
media. It is called irresponsible journalism.”
“No, blame the
bloggers. Using the social media to announce a death that has not happened
should be taken as a crime: a clear case of attempted homicide.”
“Ha, wait oh”
“What?”
“I just
remembered something.”
“What?”
“I hear Baba
OBJ has just donated a chimpanzee to an animal centre. Do you want to know what
the Chimpanzee is called, named by the Baba himself?”
“Just shut up
that your mouth!”
“Hear me first
now. Try and exercise some Patience.”
“I say keep
the name to yourself.”
“This is your
problem. You don’t believe things you should believe and yet you don’t have the
Patience to learn about things you don’t know.”
“Thank you.
So, what are you, yourself donating to the animal centre? How about you
donating a cow?”
“Cow ke? I don’t want any problems, please. I
may donate one of my dogs.”
“Hen, don’t
try that! I’ll send you one article I have just read. It says dog meat is
medicinal and that it can cure malaria. It is also fortifies the human spirit
and when you eat the testes, it is like taking Viagra. Current research
findings!”
“Nonsense, I
can’t eat dog meat. A dog is a man’s best friend.”
“The article
says it contains energy, fat, protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, calcium, iron,
thiamine, niacin.”
“You are
salivating! If any of my dogs should disappear, I’ll bring the police to your
doorstep.”
“Which ones?
The same police who cannot rescue a man who wants to commit suicide. They will
rescue a dog?”
“Just don’t go
about telling civilized people that here, in Nigeria, we eat dog meat to cure
malaria and impotence. Argggh!”
“You think
Oyinbo people don’t know? Sit down there.”
“I hear…”
“You and the
things you hear”
“I hear the
Senate is recommending death sentence for kidnappers”
“Kidnappers.
How about rapists? Look, what we need, to save Nigeria, most urgently, is a
National Depression Initiative. People are depressed. It is why they say and do
stupid things. ”
“I also
hear….”
“Ok. Enough of
these things you hear. I have heard enough today.”
Dr.
Reuben Abati was spokesman and special adviser, Media and Publicity to
President Goodluck Jonathan (2011 – 2015). He tweets from @abati1990.
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